Why Does a Queer Lens Matter?
What does my tagline “through a queer lens” mean and why is so important?
What do I mean by queer lens?
I was brought up inside a worldview where there was only one option for how I should be. Not being able to conform to that meant there was something deeply wrong and unacceptable about me and, naturally, this took a toll on my personal identity. Even after leaving that upbringing behind and coming out as queer, I noticed there was still a pretty universal expectation to define myself according to terms that were actually heterosexual at the core and not all that accurate. Discovering this other way of seeing, this queer lens, was a life-altering shift on the level my own identity.
Queer theory is a complex field of study (in which I am certainly not an expert) that goes back decades. In the most basic terms, it states that there are no normal or abnormal sexual orientations or gender expressions. So, a queer lens means that heterosexual and cisgender are not the normal from which everything else diverges. We simply are, or are not, heterosexual or homosexual, cisgender or transgender, or any other variation along the spectrum. (Contrary to some myths: a queer lens does not mean assuming everyone is queer. It only means that you are not “normal” or “abnormal” for being what you are.)
The foundations of who I am no longer rest on identifying myself as flawed or divergent. Queer people often have a lot to contend with on a daily basis and that can be challenging. But when those experiences don’t have to mean anything about my value and identity as a person – well, that changed everything.
What’s so important about all this in a larger context? Why does a queer lens matter for everyone, even if you’re not queer?
In the various fields of relational work there is often an unnamed base-assumption of heteronormativity. Even amongst top experts of these fields. Even in spaces where acceptance and inclusion are a priority. Even from individuals not identifying as heterosexual themselves. Most statements of relational absolutes are still predicated upon the unseen and unnamed assumption that there is some type of foundational normal and thereby a divergence from that standard.
This perpetuates active harm to individuals, couples or relational groups who do not have dynamics rooted in that base-assumption and yet are given advice coming from that place. Often, we judge our relationships based on what we’ve been told by books, experts, and by friends and family, without questioning what that advice is rooted in and if it actually even applies to us. I’ve experienced this in my own life and seen it over and over with clients, and the harm it causes is extensive.
A queer lens is important is because it sets us all free.
A queer lens lets us start from a place of non-assumption about what is true for us as an individual. A queer lens is essential for all of us – whether we are LGBTQ+ or not – because it allows the subtle yet profound shifts in the way we approach one another. We move away from the language of predetermined lists and place our emphasis on knowing our own internal landscape and the particularities of our own relationships. Universal truths move into the realm of qualities like kindness, respect, compassion, and strong communication instead of expectations based on gender and relationship models that do not serve us. A queer lens invites us into a deeper conversation and into the true meaning of inclusion. By extending to everyone the basic human right of letting each individual define who they are, we all forge stronger connections in every area of our lives.